i want to reconcile the violence in your heart --

[jason adam levito]

Life had been good; life had given him what he wanted time and time again. Then when he met the monster, his monster, life had become great. Days passed, weeks passed, months passed and all he knew was that familiar warm feeling in his skull, the familiar tingling and tickling of his monster, fighting off his demons, protecting him in the worst way possible. This was his life and at all costs, he didn’t want to give it up, and at all costs he wished more than anything that he actually could. He knew somewhere in his head, somewhere in his conscience that he needed to stop, needed to get better for his children. They needed him, Noah and Amber needed him, needed their father, not a man who couldn’t get off drugs, to the two of them, Jason was honestly just an out of control stranger. He needed to stop, and the only thing hindering him from doing so was his honest desire just to continue his life exactly as it was.

This was who he was, who he had always been. He partied, he drank himself into stupors, and he got so high that he couldn’t even hold his head up. This was Jason Levito, the honest to god rock star. His lips were curled into a wicked, yet alluring smile and his eyes glassy and glazed glistened with great delight as he sat with a beer in one hand and a burn out cigarette in the other. He could vaguely make out the shapes of women dancing not too far from him, and he could barely hear the sound of voices next to him, some woman was leaning against his chest and suddenly he felt her soft hand on his jaw. She turned his face and her lips crushed against his and he dropped his already burnt out cigarette somewhere on the floor, not caring where it went and with that newly freed hand, pulled her closer to him and she willingly came closer, one leg on each side of him, sitting on her lap both hands on either side of his face.

“I’ve always dreamed about you…” He heard the delayed words come floating from her lips, crawling, seeping, and swarming into his ears. He smiled at her, eyes showing his utter confusion as to why she had said this to him and suddenly her face became Janell’s. “Can’t be…” He muttered, his hand lay on the middle of her chest, pushing her away from him and the girl stood up, furious and bewildered eyes searching his. “What’s your problem, Jason?” The female demanded her voice a mere snarl and Jason shook his head shakily rising from his seat and murmured a quiet, hardly understandable apology as he left her behind him. At some point between his walking away from the girl with Janell’s face and his landing in the bathroom he had lost his beer, although that didn’t concern him in the slightest. A cold sweat had collected on his forehead and he turned on the water in the sink, it was freezing as he cupped it in his hands and splashed some of it on his face and through his hair. He looked up into the mirror, met by cold unforgiving and unwelcoming eyes and blinked a few times. It didn’t register to him that he was crashing for a few more moments, and when the realization hit him he became more determined than ever to get back to his previous level of elation.

He wasn’t sure where he was, all he knew was that he was in a really nice place, probably a penthouse in a hotel or something. He didn’t care, there were tons of people and the place was nice and there were drugs and alcohol floating around like no bodies business. The music was loud, almost too loud and it hurt his head, he took it as a sure sign that he needed more cocaine, he needed more tequila, and he needed more of everything and anything he could get his hands on. One thing led to another and he was cutting lines and rolling twenties. He could get high and forget who he was, he could get high and forget about the so called responsibilities of his life, he could get high and he could feel better. “Jason, been looking for ya’ man!” It took a little longer than necessary for Jason to turn his head to look at who was speaking to him, and his eyes landed on Shannon’s face and a small smile pulled at his lips. It was only Shannon… Shannon didn’t, and wouldn’t, judge him, and even if he did at this point in time especially, Jason would not care.

“Well you found me didn’t you?” Came Jason’s delayed response to Shannon, who smiled goofily and nodded vigorously to him. “I heard Jewels was here tonight.” Shannon called to Jason and the raven haired male smiled. “I’ll have to find her, hmm?” He murmured, his slurred voice and thick accent making it difficult for anyone who either wasn’t familiar with Jason, or wasn’t natively from Great Britain, to understand. He stood up, his head spinning as he did so and his icy eyes shut for a brief moment as he tried to regain his head, but that warm, tingling in his skill seemed to disagree with that. His eyes opened slowly and he could see through blurred vision Shannon’s face still smiling back at him and bodies moving together in unison as people danced to the beat of the music that Jason still found too loud. He took a few steps forward and began looking for Jewels, his eyes searching for first her hair if he could not identify her in any other way.