Before she even thought about anything, before anything even began to turn clear to her she heard herself yelling after him. “No!” When he grabbed his keys. She looked at him as he stood at the door, knowing that what she was going to say would make everything change. Everything about this relationship was going to start changing all because she could not stop protecting Sebastian. Madden loved her, he was willing to do anything for her as long as she was happy, and here she was denying him the right to protect her. Not telling him who had caused this misery, who had caused her tears. “I cant let you hurt him, or even know him, Madden.” She said her voice just above a whisper. She took a few cautious steps closer to him. As if any move she made would set off a bomb and destroy everything she knew.

“I hurt him. He lost everything, his parents died and I didn’t even give him as much as a sorry… he had every right to be mad at me. He had every right to yell at me…” But he didn’t have the right to kiss her, or hold her the way he did. He didn’t have the right to make her feel the things that she felt. She moved closer to Madden, her steps shaky and small, as if she was afraid to near him, like he would hit her or something. She knew he wouldn’t, well at least she was almost sure that he wouldn’t ever do that, but she could see he was angry. Though she wasn’t sure if he was angry at her or at Sebastian, even if he didn’t have a name for the man who did this to her, made her cry, made her hurt so much, he must have hated him.

“I-I…” She didn’t know what to say; she didn’t even know what the hell it was that she was even trying to say. Her heart screamed at her, screaming in her chest, wanting something to soothe it, calm it and heal it. “I don’t want to ruin this, Madden. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone, and I’m ruining everything because I let this happen, I didn’t stop him… I could have done something; I could have stopped him… It’s all my fault, I’m so sorry…” She wanted to close the space between them, she wanted to press herself against him but for some unknown reason she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to get any closer to him. Those few feet that separated them were killing her, she wanted to close the gap, but it was like that gap was Sebastian. He was the elephant in the room, making it impossible for anything to be the same. Ruining the one perfect thing in her life.

A sob shook her all the way from her lips, to her shoulder, arms, chest, legs and even in her heart. She realized then what she hadn’t before. The wine glass, the freshly cooked food; he’d made dinner for her, something she never recalled anyone doing for her. Except for maybe Sebastian a few times when she was sick, but this was different. She didn’t know how to explain it but it was different and she had ruined it, just like she ruined everything else. And once again she felt the urge to apologize again and though she heard the words in her head, her voice wasn’t heard at all.

The house smelt like home, from the smell of food freshly made to the warmth within those walls. This was her home and she felt like that, but somehow even the safety of her home felt dangerous to her tonight. Because she doubted everything, every last detail all because of Sebastian. If she hadn’t gone to the park, if she just left, if she didn’t let him hold her, if she didn’t kiss him back… none of this would be happening. Then she saw him, without a shirt carrying a glass of wine and she just wanted to curl up and die. He was so good to her, and she betrayed him already… She wasn’t worth him, but she was too selfish to give him up. She loved him, she did, she knew that, but she realized tonight that she was sharing her heart. She wished it wasn’t like that, but what could she do? When he grabbed her she literally fell into him, burying her face in his chest, holding herself as close to him as she could get and there came the tears all over again. She was searching for something to blame these tears on, and she was coming up a blank.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

She shook her head and tried to stifle a sob, avoiding looking at him as she choked out “I’m so sorry!” She didn’t know how to have any confrontation like this, because she honestly didn’t know how Madden would react to what she had to say. It’s not like it’s everyday that your girlfriend, who you recently moved in with, comes in crying because she’s realized that not only does she love you but she’s also in love with her ex boyfriend. Her chest heaved and she pulled herself closer to him as if that was still possible at all. “I tried to leave, but he wouldn’t let me…” She murmured, a sob shaking her entire body. She didn’t want to say anything more. She didn’t know how to say anything more. So she did the only thing she could and started repeating that she was sorry, so sorry. It was word vomit and she figured that Madden would recognize that it was that.

She wanted to tell him that she was a terrible person that he deserved better, but at the same time she didn’t. She couldn’t because she couldn’t lose him. She could not imagine what she would do were she to lose something so perfect in her life, someone so perfect so beautiful…Sebastian was everything she ever wanted… wrong! Madden was everything she ever wanted. These thoughts, these ideas that were running around in the young woman’s head shook her to her core and she continued to murmur apology after apology until she finally had the strength to say something else. She let go just a little bit and looked at Madden. “He kissed me…” She sobbed, shaking her head as a wave of agony washed over her. “And I don’t know why but I didn’t stop him until I realized what was happening… I was so overwhelmed I just didn’t know what was going on… he was saying all these things, and bringing up old memories… and then he grabbed me and kissed me and I didn’t stop him…I didn’t know what was happening, Madden, I’m so sorry!”

After she had said it, after those words came flying out of her mouth, she feared that he would hate her. She feared that Madden wouldn’t believe her and that he would leave her. Tell her to pack her things back up and get out, go back to her mother and get out of his life. She was afraid he would be angry, she was afraid that he would stop loving her, because she was so disheveled because of a kiss. Madden wasn’t stupid, he would realize that if one kiss could make her so upset that it wasn’t just a kiss, is meant something more and he would know that. He would hate her. It was the only logical thing she could think of.

Things had changed for Vitaly recently. Some simple little things that no one really cares about, some were things that were important and life changing. One thing that had changed was that Vitaly started to drink a little more often, not a big deal for a young guy, but when he drank too much it was a big deal; he was out cold for hours after. He had a great drinking partner, this guy; he was a pretty well known man, Jason Levito. Wait. That had been the biggest change he experienced recently. Jason had died, and now his drinking partner was just the bottle, and on occasion, his girl friend… thing. Calling any woman his girlfriend wasn’t something Vitaly liked to do because he was the kind of guy that tended to mess up relationships; therefore, he avoided them all together.

The night before Vitaly met his best buddy, a bottle of Vodka, and within three hours, he was passed out on the bed. What he remembered from the night before was very vague and had something to do with being in a bad mood, which was cured by one of his most precious friends, ethanol. People will tell you it’s addictive to drink alcohol, but Vitaly would tell people that it was just comforting. It was a friend that never died, never stabbed you in the back, never yelled at you, never declared love for you but was always there for you. The best kind of friend he called it. He slept like a rock, which was something unusual for him because Vitaly Mikhail Andreev was not a man that slept like a rock. Often he was always alert, never able to get a good night sleep because he constantly worried that he would have to run in the middle of the night.

The sound of a woman’s voice yelling in the distance began pulling the man from his near comatose state and he rose from on the bed. Sitting up, his hands flying to cover his eyes from the sunlight that danced through the blinds into his bedroom, he flung his legs over the side of the bed and groggily stood up. “The fuck is wrong with you?” Vitaly yelled back, emerging from the room and following the voice until his eyes, clouded and blurry landed upon Jewels. He walked towards her, sleep edging off of every single movement that he made. He tried to examine her, trying to figure out why the hell she would be yelling for him. Then he noticed her feet, covered in red and he frowned. “Did you break the vodka!?” He blurted out a lot louder than he meant to, and also a lot angrier than he meant. His accent along with the half yelled words made him seem much more angry than he meant to give off, yet he didn't back down from that angry stance.

Everything was supposed to be perfect. Madden was perfect, his smile, his accent, his hair, his everything was all absolutely perfect. And then there was Eme, who no matter how hard she could try would never touch perfection like he did. Not when she came home, eyes bloodshot, nose running, and heart beating in her chest not from excitement or adrenaline, but from confusion… From being torn between two wonderful things. Both of them were wonderful in their ways, and both of them had faults somehow but only one of them was ever going to be perfect for her. Perhaps it wasn’t like that. Perhaps it was that she as only going to be perfect for just one of them. Maybe Madden wasn’t the man she was meant to be with because he surpassed her in every single way. He was her superior and it was plain ridiculous to even try to compete with him. Nothing could rival him; he was like some kind of Greek god sent to Earth to teach a cruel lesson.

The girl shook with sobs in her car, sobs that were dying down though still racking her whole being. She couldn’t go into the house looking the way she did, but she knew he must have heard he garage open. That was one of the faults about his, well their, house, was that the garage door was about as loud as a battle front. As hard as Eme tried to fight back the sobs, she could stop them all together, even if there were no tears rolling down her porcelain cheeks she had hiccups that forced her to gasp for air. Pushing her car door open and stepping out of it she brushed her hair behind her ear, sighing as she shut the door and looked at the door that would lead her into the house. She wanted to make herself think that Madden wasn’t there, so that she wouldn’t have to face him but the car parked next to hers in the garage told otherwise. He was home, and had to have known that she was also.

It was almost as if she was waiting for some unseen force to push her. To propel her feet into motion so that she could walk, or stumble, to the door. Trying with all of her might to summon the mental strength to open the door, stand tall and walk into the house like she was alright. She could try to act like she was alright, but she wouldn’t be able to pull it off. The guilt would eat her up. The moment he would ask “what’s wrong?” she would break into a thousand pieces and tell him everything. Beg him to understand that she never meant to let anything like this happen; she didn’t even think she would run into someone from her past like him. She dreaded having to explain who Sebastian was because she knew she would cry. Because in the back of her mind, and somewhere in her heart, she knew that she still loved Sebastian. She loved Madden, she was sure of that and she loved Sebastian, even if she didn’t want to. So there she stood, standing before the door that would take her into the house, the house she had just moved into with the man she was so deeply in love with. Trying with all her might to summon the courage to open the door, when finally it came, she placed her hand on the door and twisted the knob taking her first step into the house.

The sense that she had just entered a gauntlet rushed over her like a tidal wave. Then suddenly, she felt safe almost as much as she felt terrified. “Baby?” She called out, her voice betraying her in sounding like she was sick with a slight cold, or like she had been crying. She set her keys down on the counter in the kitchen and proceeded into the house looking for Madden, and the hope rushed over her that he might be asleep. The chances were slim, but that didn’t make it impossible.